The shallow end

So I had my American Studies midterm this morning. It was all essay. Going into it I knew what I was going to say and so I was able to throw it down and get the heck out of Doge. Except it wasn't quite that simple. Anyway I'm so glad it's over. It's funny how much my circumstances dictate my mood. It's really quite pathetic.

This morning after the 7:30 test I went to breakfast. Christi was there and wanted me to sit with her. Ashley Ramsey was also there. She seems to be a very selfless girl. I was impressed. Anyway, Leah and Dawn then joined us. I was feeling pretty good having just finished my toughest midterm and sitting with four female friends. I really am quite spoiled at this point in time. I get way more attention then I deserve and I don't understand why. But I'm not complaining. I can't help but wonder what others think when I'm the only guy sitting with a table of girls.

Does anyone have a needle? I need to pop my head.

Dreams

I had some vivid dreams last night. One of them involved Christi. I remember her saying, "So what's it going to take for you to ask me to go out with you?" And then it was like we were together. It was quite an amazing feeling to be with someone. I think I had the dream because I had spent some time with her watching a movie last night and she seemed close. I believe it was all in how I perceived it though.

I also had a dream that my roommate Jeremiah was crying because he had just broken up with his fiance. I was of coursed shocked and sad. It was kind of an intense sleep.

I've been working a lot on my online portfolio lately. I don't have much of anything up yet but I'll definitely be adding more soon. In fact I'm nearly finished with a couple animations of which I'm actually semi proud.

My soul thirsts

Last night I read Psalm 42. The Psalms amaze me. The following lines are lovely in every since of the word, as they are a loving message from my God.

My soul thirsts for God, for the living God;

When shall I come and appear before God?

My tears have been my food day and night,

While they say to me all day long, 'Where is your God?'...

...Why are you in despair, O my soul?

And why have you become disturbed within me?

Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him

For the help of His presence.

It struck me that what I had been thinking earlier in the day seemed to be addressed in this Psalm. It is the truth that our souls long for God and God alone. There are many bits of good (a.k.a. God) seen everyday. But only going directly to Him will fulfill our inherent longing.

When I pursue happiness in temporary things it's as if evil is asking, 'Where is your God?' But if I begin with a pursuit of God, evil will have no mocking questions. When I remember God beside me it helps. O my soul, hope in God.

Warm and fuzzy ball of originality

Ever since my last post I've been thinking about how much I am focused on the temporary. Particularly in regard to gaining a lover. The way I see it, it's fully self-seeking. At least this is the stage I'm at. But the hard part to understand is, how else could it be? How else would we be able to settle our lonely pains if not to at least begin with a selfish desire to be smothered with acceptance? I don't get it. If I fully die to myself as I am being told I would be lonely for the rest of my life. Does God initially use these self desires for acceptance for his good? If so, does that mean God plans on everyone who gets married going through this selfish stage?

I reckon I'm missing something here as there are plenty of godly men who went about their marriage process righteously. Or did they?

I shared some of these thoughts with Snorri. He said in his characteristic head strong way, "Oh yeah, I mean..." He then proceeded to communicate a point which I have heard many times. But this time, I heard it. His point was essentially that life is not about us. It's cliche of course. But I understood it on a deeper level when I heard it from my dear friend.

"I'm so glad God has saved me," "What should I do for a career?" and "Who should I marry?" are phrases and questions which I state, when it should be from the perspective of, "God has a greater plan, how do I
fit into it?"

I am terribly sorry that you had to read that. I can't seem to articulate anything other than cliche at the moment.

Anyway, it was real to me.

Outside of Finiteness is in-Finiteness, Believe it or Not

I hope my readers haven't given up on my posts. Here, finally, is another one.

I'm so frustrated with myself! My mind won't stop telling me life would be better with a lover. I suppose I'm not doing myself any favors by posting about it and thus thinking about it more. So instead of complaining about my current state I've decided to take a liking to being single. So much more freedom. In theory I'll have many years with someone, even a greater number than without. So it's good. "LG, Life's Good."

I wonder how much less I would desire a girl if it wasn't for my society telling me life is better with someone. I mustn't give in! I'll like my life as it is. (It's a good idea at least.) Plus when I think about it, my thoughts are focused completely on the temporary, which isn't what God says we should be focused on.

By the way, I hope I don't appear to be trying to arouse pity. I know my feelings are nothing different from most anyone else. And my single life really isn't as depressing as I may make it sound.

I was reading in Exodus the other night. God was speaking to Moses on the top of a mountain when he suddenly told Moses to go back down the mountain because of what the Israelites were doing (they were worshipping a golden calf). God told Moses to leave Him alone so that his anger may rage against them and that he may destroy them and then rise up a nation from Moses alone. Moses then pleads with God not to destroy them.

And get this -- Exodus 32:14, "So the Lord changed His mind about the harm which He said He would do to His people." How does God change his mind?!! I was quite surprised when I read that. God can't learn because he knows all. Which means that whatever it was Moses said to him, he new prior to his telling him. Which means that God must of had a reason to "change His mind." Perhaps to teach Moses and or us to make our requests known to God. I guess I can see that.

But I don't understand nor do I think I will ever understand in this world how scripture can say that God changed his mind when he didn't!! He knew what he was going to do all along. Jigga wha'? It's another one of those frustrating things about Christianity that you just kinda think about, get mad for a little bit and eventually move on, trying not to think about it any longer.

After that depressing thought let me say that there is an explanation. Our minds are finite. What is, is in-finite.

Apples don't only keep the doctor away

I've been thinking about beauty. Particularly in Music. It's easy to think beauty can only be seen in excellent music. For instance a song that is played and sang on perfect pitch. But I've come to realize that so much good can be taken from that which is less than perfect. Sometimes a singer can be so passionate and expressive that he can be a little off pitch but still be enjoyable to listen to. It shows his imperfections and communicates on a different level. That can be taken too far of course, to where it becomes distracting. But it's true for the most part. To a degree this can be true in a worship service as well and it can still be a good service because of the heart of a person. But perfection should still be strived for.

Sorry for the lack of posts recently. I'm not sure what it is but I
haven't been feeling very expressive. Every time I think about posting it doesn't sound very appealing. I guess I just don't have much good to say these days.

Having said that, let me share a story which may be mildly
entertaining. I worked this morning from 8 to 2 as a stocker. Which primarily means I face the products (make everything straight and pretty.) So I was on our hair care aisle pulling some hair spray to the front of the shelf. I grabbed the can by the lid and the lid popped off. For some reason I have this fear in me from a young age about letting anything pressurized drop. I guess I think it might explode. Anyway, I wasn't really nervous about adjusting the hair spray can but then when the lid popped off and the can started to fall this fear from years past quickly rose within me and I sort of over reacted to catch
the can. I was so relieved when it didn't fall. Then I just started laughing at myself at how seriously I took the whole situation. I couldn't stop laughing! And this customer came around the corner and started turning down the aisle but then turned away. Whether it was because she found out she was in the wrong aisle or because there was a freak employee laughing I don't know. So that made my day go just a little faster.

Oh I've thought of something else to share! And I thought this was going to be a boring post. (Man I'm good). I was walking back to North Hall (where I live) one evening. There were two couples holding hands, one behind me and one in front of me. (They weren't all holding hands, just in pairs.) When I noticed that each had their lovers hand in theirs I looked down at my hand to see a green apple. I smirked at the
contrast. Then I sighed and began to feel sorry for myself. hehe But I'm sure if things are going to happen they'll happen soon enough. I'm alright with that. Besides, green apples taste better.