There Goes the Summer

School never compares to home. Plus I've decided that I hate the first week of returning to school. It takes me awhile to get readjusted and the process is never fun. Hopefully things will be better soon. Life is rather boring and unfortunately this includes people.

I was talking with a friend who is also an animation concentration. He said he didn't think we had to take "Portfolio Development" which is a class I'm currently in. But my advisor was the one who set up my schedule this semester. It would be nice to not have to take it except for losing my "full time" status - insurance. But mostly I hope I'm not missing some class and not be able to graduate in Dec. I'm pretty sure I would sue John Brown if that happened. At least then I wouldn't need a degree.

I really like a lot of songs of course. But the one I'm listening to right now is particularly agreeable. "You're No Good" by Perder Pie a.k.a Joshua Piper. So give it a listen. Sure it's raw and slightly crude but I really like it.

My hall went to Lincoln Lake tonight to jump off some cliffs. It might have been fun but I didn't feel like making myself do it. I don't feel like doing much these days. In fact I'm completely unmotivated. Hopefully things change so I don't flunk my last semester.

David had a whole heart for God

Very interesting day today. Mostly because of the morning. I went to a church called Cornerstone Baptist. One of my male intern friends invited me. He's kind of a weird fellow. Very assertive. So being the follower that I am I agreed to go to church with him. Definitely a "fire and brimstone" type church. My first clue that I didn't fit in was when I say all males (even the very young) in full suites and ties and all women in dresses. I of course was wearing khakis and an un-tucked colored shirt. :) Everyone was very nice but I sensed their motives to be based on adding to their numbers of the "saved." People were yelling throughout the sunday school and service time. Both from up front and the crowd. During a congregational prayer time I was approached and asked if I was 100% sure I was going to heaven when I die and why God should let me in. I replied with Sunday school answers and he left me alone.

It was unlike any experience I'd ever had. It was very interesting and I don't regret it. It was sad how legalistic the church was. They were so set on following the rules. They kept using phrases like, you better be reading your scripture and following Jesus so that you don't backslide. Which doesn't sound that bad like I just said it, but they would say these cliche phrases over and over again. They would always talk about things with an us vs. them overtone. Us being the righteous and them being the sinners going to hell. Of course there is a lot of truth in all of this but they came across as arrogant. Not exactly the type of people to come along side of a crying prostitute or drunkard to see where they're at and show them God's love for a lost world. I don't believe their methods will have any success in today's society. People don't want to be yelled at for what they're doing wrong. How is that appealing?

Are they saved? It's hard to say and I can't know. But I would venture to guess that most are not. From what I saw they rely on their own efforts to save them from our fallen state.

Something occurred to me while sitting in the pew that I must mention. The pastor was saying how all these bad things had happened to their church. He mentioned several different vandalism occurrences including some from "satin worshipers." He said that on one occasion the damage had amounted to half a million dollars. I don't know if when he used the term "satin worshipers" he was merely exaggerating the state of the lost world in general or if he actually meant satin
worshipers. But I was thinking, it seems like evil would attack the strongest opposition to its cause. So why doesn't this type of attack happen to the less conservative less legalistic churches like mine? Even if it was just the general lost world which the pastor was speaking of, that's a lot of damage - a strong attack. This makes me think they might be on to something. If the devil is truly attacking this church they must be doing something good for the sake of the Kingdom.

So how will I sleep tonight? Three answers. First, these attacks really do happen to other churches (yes even mine now that I think about it) and so we must be on to something as well. Second, the pastor could have been exaggerating the damage - not too surprising, considering what they abandon to be "saved," our helpless eternal state, how hard is it to believe they would abandon the strict truth in relaying this vandalism story? Third, these guys probably do a
good job of ticking people off. If they relate to the lost world in a way which even remotely resembles their fervor within the church doors I can see people going to great lengths to hurt this church because of the lack of love shown to the outside world.

Today is Father's Day. I would like to honor my Father. He has shown a never ending supply of love to me. He even gave up his car for me to use for 6 weeks. Besides the direct benefits from such a Dad he is an example which has eternal significance. Thanks for everything Dad.

Forming the Ties

I've had such good times lately! Unfortunately good times usually means spending more time with friends which means not as much posting. Sorry to put you all through that.

Christi and I and a few other interns met with Kristin Wood (a friend from school who lives in town) the other night. We went to a pizza place and then downtown for ice cream. The greatest part was the ice cream afterwards when everyone but Christi, Kristin and I left. It was so much fun! It's hard to express. I just felt like because we had things in common (JBU) we were able to connect in a way I hadn't really experienced since I came here. And let me tell you, Kristin is absolutely halarious. She makes me genuinely laugh. We were all just being ourselves and completely relaxed. I heart that time.

Several other great experiences took place last week and this past week including a party/get together for all the interns and a viewage of End of the Spear with the group. Both times were excellent but I felt last night (End of the Spear) was particularly satisfying. This is because I felt even more connected to the group and comfortable. I talked with this girl named Mia who I found out was homeschooled. It was good to share common experiences. And this other girl named Stephanie who I thought was a complete control freak and far too forward for a girl, is actually turning out to be a cool person. I enjoy talking with her. Come to find out she's half Iraqi. Kinda interesting. Sorry, I don't mean to bore you with my social drama but I'm merely sharing this to show how I've connected with a good group of people. It will be sad to leave them next week. But I'm kind of thankful I haven't had a longer time with them so that my departing doesn't rip too much flesh.

I've definitely gotten a lot closer to Christi. She and I have really opened up to each other. I can joke around and almost completely be myself around her. I do and say many things around her that I never would have before this summer. You know when you see someone literally every day for five weeks you tend to get to know them. She's a great friend. It'll be weird when she leaves this Saturday.

It's been very hard to fight the natural tendencies of attraction but with only a few days left of seeing her for the summer I think it's safe to say God has allowed me to be successful in this area. By successful I mean not falling for her. She's not for me.

Last night while watching the End of the Spear I made a funny. Would
you like to hear it? OK! So there was this tribal people in the movie and they had different ways of life than us of course. It was really pretty confusing to try to understand the whole male/female and parents/children relationship. So Stephanie shared her frustration about this and I said in a Crow voice (from MST3K) "Where's the family structure??" They all laughed. And then Stephanie said, "They need Focus!" It was a great moment.

I worked on a Breakaway advertisement to promote a renewing of the subscription. It was really quite fun because I was given some creative freedom. I turned it in to Tracy (one of the senior designers) and he liked it. So he "routed" it which basically means he let the so called client give us feedback. (Even though Breakaway magazine is part of Focus, the creative department still considers everyone a separate "client" -- kinda weird) So it came back and they liked it! I was actually really surprised because the client almost always finds something wrong about the design. So I burned it and gave it back to Tracy. I wasn't extremely excited about the design, but they all liked it, so I was happy. Perhaps I'll email it to myself at work tomorrow so I can post it.

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIiIIII

I've started this post a couple times already. Both times trying to make a profound observation on life. When really it's just me, Jeremy. A normal guy who experiences the exact same emotions as every one else on this planet. So look at yourself and what you want out of life and project that on me.

Think the thoughts you did last night in bed before you fell asleep and place that ---->here<----.

Put your thoughts about your discontent for life without a lover ---->here<----.

Put your theatrical emotional highs ---->here<----.

There. There's your post for the evening.

This is me, sorry about the dirt

I am terrible. I've done such evil. Let me start from the beginning.

I couldn't sleep well last night. My mind was racing. I woke up in the middle and boom, something captivated me. And it didn't stop for quite awhile. When I woke up this morning I wasn't exactly feeling refreshed. I tried to sleep as long as I could but I can never make it past 7:30 because of my sleep routine. So I got up, ate breakfast, messed around on the computer, and went back to sleep. The service wasn't until 11. When the alarm went off I certainly wasn't ready to get up. I was of course sleeping soundly. So the entire time I was getting ready for church I was not in a good mood. I certainly had a bad attitude and let's just say wasn't afraid to express my frustrations verbally.

The plan was for Christi to come over at about 15 till and we would go to church. She didn't make it till a few minutes before the hour. Of my priorities I hold punctuality high. Christi is normally very disciplined and punctual. But not today. I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

I was slightly frustrated with Christi, but only as much as you can be with a good friend. I didn't talk much at all on the drive to church. Christi was chipper. A regular sleep pattern seems to be crucial to my right state of mind. Walking in late always kills me. Especially when I couldn't stop thinking about the last guy I heard preach at this church (two weeks ago) who commented on the rudeness of being tardy.

After church things became better. Probably because I woke up. Christi and I made Hamburger Helper® ( <---- I just had to do that because I remembered the hotkey from work.) for lunch and I taught her Backgammon. Randy had just taught me. She left and I ebayed. I then napped for half an hour till I had to get up to check on an auction (I know, it's a rough life). I called Sean and ebayed some more till, to my surprise, I scored a sweet deal on a Powerbook. Needless to say, I was heaps excited.

I then went to Pierced, which is a service for college age folk at Woodmen Valley Chapel. Very very excellent. Meaningful music, stellar message. The bloke talked about Jacob's manipulative perspective on life. Up until the point that Jacob wrestled with God he was a heal grabber or deceiver. But when he wrestled, he confronted God and let Him do His work in Jacob's life. There was clash, he showed God who he really was, but it was worth it because he became Israel - one who has wrestled with men and God. When Jacob made himself vulnerable God changed Him.

So what is this evil I have committed? I am selfish. I was grumpy and frustrated because of the way things weren't going this morning. Then I was so happy because I was able to chill with Christi and also buy a Powerbook. How pathetic is that? This temporary world has a hold on me!

But more than being shallow, I have not been honest with God. That is the evil which I have committed. I did things, said things and had thoughts without admitting it. I believe one of my greatest enemies is passivity. By that I mean doing things without acknowledging them and drifting along. I should at least! at least! complain to God about why I think I cannot not sin. Then I'll be one who wrestles with God. When you wrestle with God, you kinda lose ya know?

His Breath Lasts Longer

Why do I breathe?

I've never even been outside the Palace walls...

You know those days when nothing you do seems to bring fulfillment? This is one of those days. At least ever since I got off work at 2. Of course I took a nap which was pleasant. And I read a little. Nothing I can think of brings excitement. I realize this is of course a purely selfish state but nevertheless it is a state I find myself in. I find it easiest in this state to not care about what I do as much. In other words I have the potential of slipping into sin easier.

I would like to meet Paul from the Bible. He seemed to have things together. I love what he said about finding contentment in whatever situation he's in. It'd be great to have an attitude of disregard for this world and focused so fully on the greater cause of God's Kingdom. Maybe someday I'll have that attitude. Like when I die. hehe

So we were having BS this morning (Bible Study of course). We have one every morning. Sometimes just with our group and sometimes the whole department. Anyway, this guy was sharing a prayer request about he and his son going with a group to Alaska to go bear hunting. And we were discussing how dangerous bears are. And this lady spoke up and said something like, "Yeah that's why there's a law against bears having the right to bear arms." We all had a good laugh.

Oh I have to go! I just thought of something to do -- calibrate my monitor.

Don't worry, if I don't get help at Charter I'll get help somewhere. ; )

United We Stand (on what?)

I just came back from watching except for one the most terrifying and disturbing movie I've ever seen. I don't think a movie has ever upset me quite this much save the Passion of the Christ. By upset I don't necessarily mean anger, but moved. The movie was United 93. I believe the reason it effected me so is because of how close to reality it probably is. It's done in a way that is very similar to a documentary - without the narration of course. Everything that took place prior to the hijacking was so believable it was eery. All of a sudden the terrorists made their move. Things that took place before my eyes left my brain saying, "No, that's not supposed to happen" because of all that it went against. You can't help but sympathize with the characters playing your fellow Americans.

At one point the movie made an interesting connection. It showed passengers quoting the Lord's prayer contrasted with the prayers of the terrorists. Both prayers were calls in a time of distress. I realized that one will default to one's foundational beliefs when all is stripped away. This is why to those with firm belief in God and the Kingdom the evil intentions of others will not succeed no matter how great the offence. Their minds are made up. If America is foundationally firm on Good the terrorists might as well pack it up and go home. They have no hope of persuasion. Of course if we're not, we will naturally default to evil. They will have persuaded us to their evil beliefs (though they take a different form than islam). And they (or rather the greater evil) will have won.

We should all pray for America.

Internin it up

It was a good weekend. On Saturday I went to Cave of the Winds with Christi and two other interns. It was really fun. It's nice because, as interns, we're all going through the same type of experience together. So we can relate to each other's concerns or questions and general ups and downs. It's similar to the relationship between a freshman class at college or a study abroad trip. I think there are supposed to be more coming today but so far I only know Christi, Laura and Amanda. Amanda goes to school at Pensacola (sp?). Yes, the infamous legalistic extremists. But Amanda seems normal. Not too conservative really. Laura also goes to school in Florida but I forget where. Neither of them are in the Creative Department.

So anyway I drove us all to Cave of the Winds. We also walked around in a small town nearby while we were waiting for the cave tour. After all of that I drove Christi back to her house and helped her move to her second house. For some reason her host couldn't keep her all six weeks. Her car is having problems so I have been taking her everywhere. I don't really mind. We're usually hanging out anyway so its not a big deal.

Sunday morning we (the four of us) went to Woodmen Valley Chapel which is not far from where I live. It was an interesting church. I really liked it for the most part. It's a big church with several campuses. They had a live feed linking all the campuses so sometimes we were being lead by the worship leader at the other campus but still singing along with instruments at our campus. And they would switch between the campuses as if it was a news broadcast. "OK back to you Jim." I was pleased to find out the sermon was live from our campus (too bad for the others). It was really pretty weird. It was especially weird (and comical) when we were clapping for something going on at the other campus. I couldn't help but think to myself, "Who are you trying to kid?" and "Why are we clapping?" Anyway, the service as a whole was excelent.

I would love to talk more but I have to go. Hopefully I'll be getting my computer back soon. If God wills it.

Chillin with Jim

Greetings. I've been wanting to post for quite awhile now. I'll use the excuse that my computer has been in the shop for the past few days and the only place I can do this is here at work. I feel kind of bad using the internet for personal use. But I'm not getting payed plus I have nothing else do to right now.

Colorado is magnificent. If it wasn't for the fact that it's away from family it would be the ideal place to live. Every day I see the mountains on the way to work. I can't tell you how in awe I am by them. I hope that doesn't grow old.

So between this paragraph and the last quite a bit of time has elapsed. I went to a mandatory chapel where Dr. Dobson did his radio program. It was really cool! He had several guests who were black preachers and they were discussing the topic of the corruption of marriage. And check it out, Christi and I got our picture taken with Dr. JD himself. It was pretty exciting and kind of pathetic at the same time. Pathetic because of how worked up we were getting about getting our picture with him.

So I of course have much more to say but I'm leaving soon. Christi's car broke down so I'm taking her home and she's leaving now.

Hopefully I'll be able to post again soon. Although I'm not sure how.

Hold Fast

The past couple weeks seem to have been made up of more extremes then usual. There was all the annoyances mentioned in my last post. And this week the issue of my car has continued. It's still in the shop (actually a different shop). Kind of a long story. But as of yet the problem is unknown and its return to me is as well. I have to leave the dorms tomorrow at 1. This situation is so out of my control! That of course causes me to react in either a very negative way or a very good way which involves heavy reliance on God. But it's so uncomfortable. God's cutting this one awfully close. I fluctuate from peace to worries. The main thing that gets me is the thought of less time at home before I head to Co. a week from tomorrow.

There have been multiple negative occurrences surrounding the car troubles as well as other things in my life lately. I feel like I've been getting more out of God's word lately. I'm in it every night. And
I've discussed spiritual issues with friends more lately. Particularly Leah. I can't help but wander if the crap I'm going through is more than meets the eye.

But on the other hand I have had some very good times. Sunday was my birthday. I had planned a time with friends to canoe and hang out one last time. It was canceled because of the rain on Saturday. But on Sunday we decided to go. Not as many could go Sunday so it ended up just being Leah, Christi, Becky and I. It was such good times! I feel quite selfish enjoying such a time. Mainly because it reminded me of how much my mood is dictated by my surroundings. But it was wonderful none the less.

Afterwards I ate with the same three and they invited me over to Mayfield (their dorm). I was about to leave but they suggested I hang with them some more. I figured they were up to something. They had made a cake and invited some other friends to celebrate my birthday. I was a little embarrassed but I felt loved.

And another high point was spending some time with Leah on Tuesday. We discussed and read the Bible and some writings we admire. She is quite an amazing writer. I hadn't realized. She explained her views on several Biblical issues and it made me admire her spiritual walk to a great degree more.

The more I read God's word the more meaningful it becomes. It's so good. "...we were burdened excessively, beyond our strength, so that we despaired even of life..." You should read 2 Corinthians 1:8-10. If God
is a deliverer in this dire situation how much more in my comfortable life?

sighs

Dear Readers,

My life has had quite a few annoyances lately. They haven't been too major. But they have effected me. I'm praying about them and God is listening. Sometimes I wander how much, but I believe he wants for me what is better whether or not that means listening to me.

I'd rather not get into all of the events this past week because some of them greatly piss me off. I thought this place would be a nice place to vent. Hopefully it doesn't encourage a complaining attitude.

On the way back from Greene Day last Saturday my car was behaving oddly. The engine was (I believe it's called) missing. When I stopped at a stop sign it would die. Eventually I got it back to school. But whenever I put it in gear it would die immediately. I had it towed on Monday to good old John's Repair Service where it's been ever since.

First day I called - no time to look at it.

Second day - looked at it but can't figure it out.

Third day - waiting on a different tester from an unknown source to test an unknown part of the car (this is unknown by me not him, fortunately)

Fourth day - Jeremy ransacks John's Repair Service and retrieves van

He said depending on what the test turns up it may be ready today. This has of course inconvenienced me as I need to get to work and back. It also looks like my lake wedington plans have died. Both due to the lack of transportation and lack of no risk of getting struck by lightning.

You know, I was going to tell you all about my troubles with my ram for my computer but I really don't feel like getting into all of it. Basically, I fried the bloody ram slot on my motherboard when installing the first piece of ram and I am now stuck with an annoyingly slow computer. Which of course has been dramatically reduced in resale value.

So there's this girl named Leah. I am extremely tired of thinking about my relationship with her. Not because of anything that she's done. I'm mad at myself for allowing so much time to be spent with her. This summer will be good. I'll be able to flee the constant struggle which takes place within me.

There is a complicated three way battle as I see it. On one side is my selfish desire to own someone - anyone - and be loved in return. On the second side is my selfish desire to own someone who is nothing less then the best on this planet from an external perspective. And on the third side is God's plan which is often times extremely obscure and therefore neglected. I suppose the reason I am so frustrated is not only because I am giving more thought to the selfish motivations (side one and two) as opposed to God's plan, but also because these two selfish motivations (both very powerful) are competing with each other.

...

...

...it's raining outside. I like the rain.

Greene Day

This weekend was good. I went to Greene Day on Saturday. Greene Day is an annual gathering at the Green's house (Leah's family) for volleyball and food and such. It was great fun. Volleyball is such a fun group activity. I'm always surprised at how competitive the Greene family is. They take it pretty seriously. At least as seriously as I take it. You know how some people (particularly girls) can be whimpy about sports and shy from the ball? Well not the Greenes. Especially Natalie. I'm always really impressed by her volleyball skills. She's probably about 13 but she plays really well, with the overhand serve and everything. She used to be on a team. If you have access to Facebook, there are a few pictures in one of Christi Vondrak's albums.

On Sunday I went to church and then went out to eat with Christi, Kameron and Becky. It was really fun. Mostly because I was the only guy. I wanted Snorri to come but he was invited to eat with some other church folk. It was his birthday yesterday and I didn't even realize it until later in the day. I feel kind of bad.

Psalm 85:9 "Surely His salvation is near to those who fear Him, That glory may dwell in our land." I like this verse because I see something beneath the surface. It occurred to me that if His salvation is near to
those who fear Him than that implies that we are constantly in danger of something and need to be saved. It's almost like His salvation is some sort of thing. It gives me the image of a physical object or force around those who fear Him.

Secondly, Psalm 85:10 "Lovingkindness and truth have met together; Righteousness and peace have kissed each other." Isn't that truly amazing imagery? I love it. One of the most intimate of expressions - kissing. Our God is tightly wound with righteousness, peace and purity.

Erosion of the Soul

I'm planning an outing with a bunch of my friends to Lake Wedington a week from Saturday. This is the place where I went camping with Snorri last weekend (see pictures on facebook). You can rent canoes and kayaks and go swimming and such. Looks to be a swell time.

So I got up my nerve and decided to invite Rachelle Wilson. She's not exactly in my close circle of friends but I've always thought she's a pretty cool person. I really hope she can come and that this invitation doesn't seem weird. She's the one who got stuck in Salina in a snow storm on the way to her home in Colorado and stayed at my house. I kind of told her we should hang out some more but really all we ever do is
wave every time we see each other. So hopefully she wants to hang and wasn't just saying that.

I watched "The Glass House" last night with Jeremiah. It was the type of movie that really isn't worth watching but is interesting enough that you want to find out how it ends. I wouldn't recommend it. I realized afterwards that it was yet another secular mental input that slowly changes my worldview. There wasn't anything terribly bad in it but it was just such a non-Christian movie. Not ant-Christian but non-Christian. Perhaps there isn't a difference now that I think about it.

Twin Connection

I was reading the Etude and it inspired me to post. Man, I don't know who that author is but she certainly leads an interesting life!

I've been listening to these Discovery Channel radio broadcasts lately. They're usually pretty interesting. I listened to one called, "Miracle Chasers" in which they investigated what were thought to be miracles and tried to explain them scientifically. They investigated the connection between twins. Apparently there is this bizzare phenomenon in which twins will feel the same thing even though they arephysically separated. For instance, one twin will sprain her ankle and the other will feel pain in her foot. They tested this on two twins by putting one twins hand in cold water or popping a balloon in the presents of one twin. In each case the second twin who was located in another room would have a heart rate increase as these things took place.

Can any twins out there vouch for these strange happenings?

I need to go eat. Hopefully I'll continue to post every now and then, though it be short and pointless.

Three "I love yous"

After the high of the previous two weeks I am certainly experiencing a boring streak. It seems like every one of my classes has a very low level of demand. It seems all I do anymore is eat, sleep and feel guilty about my lack of productivity. So today I was trying to reverse that by working on the St. Olaf Swing Dance Club website. However I quickly became frustrated and felt the need to be inspired. This is a hard game to play. It's a battle between productivity and creativity. So what do you do when creativity never comes and you have a deadline? Do you just hastily throw something down and call it good? Unfortunately that is what I have done many times in my school assignments which require creativity. Creativity doesn't seem to come as easily for me as it does others, i.e. Sean. If I don't start getting better soon I fear for my success in this industry. However I certainly don't plan on giving up soon. I think that practice will improve my creative abilities. I'm hoping this summer will be just what I need as I'll be working at Focus on the Family and possibly for a graphic
design company remotely.

Now on to a subject perhaps more interesting to some of you ladies. Get this, I had two girls tell me, "I love you" today. I took Courtney Moore to City Coffee today. It was pretty fun. It started raining and storming while we were there. I love days like today that are kind of dreary all day. Anyway, I think it was when we were talking about being content while being single (by the way we weren't speaking in specific terms, just general) that Courtney said how happy she was to have good friends. Whether or not you believe me she was speaking in general
terms. I realize it doesn't sound like that. Anyway, she said that she loves me (as a friend). She's a very selfless person who doesn't require much reinforcement to give of herself.

The second girl was Megan Mulder at work. We were just joking around. I'm not sure what about. And she said, "I love you Jeremy." It was in a very light-hearted manner of course. If you had been there for either of these situations you would better understand that neither of them meant a romantic love. Now that I go back and read this it sounds quite terrible. It really wasn't a big deal. But still, two girls (outside my family) told me they loved me in the same day at different times. Not a bad day I guess.

I want to end with a God story. As with most of what I say on this blog I won't be able to fully portray the depth of my feelings through this crude form of communication. But I will try.

It happened quite recently actually. I was getting out of my car after having arrived back at school from work. I looked up and saw the moon. It wasn't very clear out but I could see the moon. As I was staring, along came a small group of clouds all traveling together across the
sky. It was a small group. I noticed that it was about to cross between myself and the moon. I waited and I got more and more excited as I realized how wonderful this moment was going to be. Then it happened, just as I had hoped. Because of where the clouds were it was suddenly revealed to me how much farther away the moon was from me. The clouds were already way up there, but the moon was so much farther! I used the clouds as a reference for measuring the distance of the moon from me.

For a moment I was in complete awe of the greatness of the universe. God was in that moment. I could feel Him.

Who Not What

I don't believe I've blogged at all in the past two weeks. I feel bad for depriving you, my audience, for such a painful amount of time. However while you have been experiencing withdrawal, I have been going through a time which has been nothing less than marvelous.

Two weeks ago I started a choir tour. We went to Chicago area, Indianapolis, St. Louis and places in-between. I had high expectations for the tour and they were certainly met. As Sean and I have discovered, life isn't about what you do but who you do it with. I was with fantastic people and got to know other fantastic people. The long bus rides were the greatest. Sure there were times when things were boring but not for long because of the company. I enjoyed the company of my already close friends; Leah, Brad, Jeremiah, Katie and Christi, as well as getting to know others more, like; Jake, Catherine, Danielle, Alex, Cade, Jessica. Two of the many highlights of the trip were walking downtown Chicago and chatting with Leah in a coffee shop and visiting the Schamps church in St. Louis. Good conversation about nothing in particular and a beautiful, real, relevant church.

This past week Sean visited me here at JBU. It was fantastic. I'm so very thankful he was able look into my world for a week. My friends of course mean a great to me and the fact that Sean was able to meet them makes me exceedingly happy! It's hard to explain. I believe I became closer to Sean and to my friends as a result. It gave Sean and I something more in common as we know most of the same people now. It also told my friends more about me as Sean has many similar ideas but expressed slightly differently.

Without getting into details I must end. We lose an hour tomorrow and I work again tomorrow afternoon after church. Good night.

Khaki Pants and Luggage

What a fabulous day I had the other day. The only class I had was choir. And I finished my pinguine animation finally. It turned out alright. I'm not keen on the quality but I may try to change a few things to fix that. Hopefully it'll be on my portfolio site soon.

I was thinking of going to Walmart today because I needed a suitcase for choir tour next week. I forgot to bring some from home. I wasn't sure if I should ask Leah if she needed to go to Walmart because I knew it would probably just be her and I. I didn't exactly want that. But I mentioned that I needed to go and of course she needed to go as well. The time spent was very enjoyable as usual. We ended going to a couple other stores because she needed some khaki pants for choir tour. After a rather long but lovely outing we came back. She then calls me and tells me that her family has some luggage they would be happy to let me borrow. Her family also has several pairs of khaki's that she was unaware of. So pretty much our entire trip was in vain except for a few snacks and the time spent with a good friend.

Aslan is on the Move

What happened today was amazing. Particularly after my post last night. I went to work at 8 this morning. My boss said he was telling his wife about how I may be going to Colorado Springs for an internship and he
once again said that I deserve to get the internship because I am good. And I kid you not, he then said, "I know bad things happen to good people but good things happen to good people too." For a moment I just kind of stood there feeling really weird. Did that just happen? Did he just say that? Once it finally sunk in that he said what he did I kept saying to myself, "no way." And for awhile I couldn't stop smiling. Because as you have read that was exactly the same issue I was talking
about and the same words.

So what does it mean? Was God really talking to me? I believe he was. However I'm unclear as to why. Maybe he was saying, I am not ignorant of both sides of the coin, I know all truth. And he wanted me to know that. But what doesn't make sense is why he wanted me to know that so bad. It seems as if God wanted to tell me something it would be something else. But God's ways are mysterious.

I read Psalm 50 during my quiet time last night. It really came alive to me. It is such a beautiful Psalm. I love this, "For every beast of the forest is Mine, The cattle on a thousand hills. I know every bird of the mountains, And everything that moves in the field is Mine." He goes on to say that the wicked make themselves God by making up their own rules. He then tells us to abide by his rules or he will tear us to pieces.

These two things were pretty amazing revelations. Their exact relevance to my life and who exactly they're intended for I don't know. But I am supremely honored that the King of all stopped to speak to me.

Divine Encouragement

Yesterday I was talking with my boss and telling him about my plans for the summer. I told him about possibly going to Colorado Springs for an internship and he said something like, "I hope you get that, you're a good kid you deserve it." It made me think. Do we as humans ever have the right to think we deserve good based on our righteousness? Of course God does not love us to a greater degree because his love is not based on us (that makes me happy by the way). So initially I answered the question with a no. The rain falls on the righteous and the wicked.

But then I realized that the Psalms seems to imply otherwise. There are many times when the Psalms talk about the success of or blessings given to the righteous and the destruction of the wicked. I've heard that the Proverbs are general truths and that they won't necessarily occur in every instance (this is not to detract from the absolute truth of them). I assume this is true with the Psalms. But even if this is the case it would still happen sometimes. In other words, the righteous would be blessed and the wicked will fail sometimes. It certainly seems to imply that our blessings or lack thereof are dependent on our actions at least some of the time.

In typing this out another answer has occurred to me. Perhaps the Psalms are like a good persuasive college essay should be. We are taught in college to write papers which highlight whatever it is you are wanting to convince the audience of, and not to mention that which would detract from your point or put your conclusion in a bad light. Maybe the Psalms are merely saying good happens to good people and bad happens to bad people, without mentioning that in fact bad happens to good people and good happens to bad people.

If this is the case one can't help but ask, how can God be so misleading? It seems as if he is leaving part of the truth out to make a point. Isn't that somehow wrong and therefore go against his perfect nature?

Heaven forbid I and come down with an absolute statement and risk being wrong. I don't care though. This is what I have concluded -- at least temporarily. I don't believe God is being misleading. He is telling us what we need to hear. He is encouraging us. Good things do happen to good people and bad to bad. While this isn't the ultimate reason for being righteous it certainly helps in persuading us to be upright. If he mentioned the other side of the coin he knows we would be discouraged from the righteous path. See, no worries, God knows what he's doing.

Having said that, I will still remember that God's ways are not ours. My mind is extremely constrained.

The shallow end

So I had my American Studies midterm this morning. It was all essay. Going into it I knew what I was going to say and so I was able to throw it down and get the heck out of Doge. Except it wasn't quite that simple. Anyway I'm so glad it's over. It's funny how much my circumstances dictate my mood. It's really quite pathetic.

This morning after the 7:30 test I went to breakfast. Christi was there and wanted me to sit with her. Ashley Ramsey was also there. She seems to be a very selfless girl. I was impressed. Anyway, Leah and Dawn then joined us. I was feeling pretty good having just finished my toughest midterm and sitting with four female friends. I really am quite spoiled at this point in time. I get way more attention then I deserve and I don't understand why. But I'm not complaining. I can't help but wonder what others think when I'm the only guy sitting with a table of girls.

Does anyone have a needle? I need to pop my head.

Dreams

I had some vivid dreams last night. One of them involved Christi. I remember her saying, "So what's it going to take for you to ask me to go out with you?" And then it was like we were together. It was quite an amazing feeling to be with someone. I think I had the dream because I had spent some time with her watching a movie last night and she seemed close. I believe it was all in how I perceived it though.

I also had a dream that my roommate Jeremiah was crying because he had just broken up with his fiance. I was of coursed shocked and sad. It was kind of an intense sleep.

I've been working a lot on my online portfolio lately. I don't have much of anything up yet but I'll definitely be adding more soon. In fact I'm nearly finished with a couple animations of which I'm actually semi proud.

My soul thirsts

Last night I read Psalm 42. The Psalms amaze me. The following lines are lovely in every since of the word, as they are a loving message from my God.

My soul thirsts for God, for the living God;

When shall I come and appear before God?

My tears have been my food day and night,

While they say to me all day long, 'Where is your God?'...

...Why are you in despair, O my soul?

And why have you become disturbed within me?

Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him

For the help of His presence.

It struck me that what I had been thinking earlier in the day seemed to be addressed in this Psalm. It is the truth that our souls long for God and God alone. There are many bits of good (a.k.a. God) seen everyday. But only going directly to Him will fulfill our inherent longing.

When I pursue happiness in temporary things it's as if evil is asking, 'Where is your God?' But if I begin with a pursuit of God, evil will have no mocking questions. When I remember God beside me it helps. O my soul, hope in God.

Warm and fuzzy ball of originality

Ever since my last post I've been thinking about how much I am focused on the temporary. Particularly in regard to gaining a lover. The way I see it, it's fully self-seeking. At least this is the stage I'm at. But the hard part to understand is, how else could it be? How else would we be able to settle our lonely pains if not to at least begin with a selfish desire to be smothered with acceptance? I don't get it. If I fully die to myself as I am being told I would be lonely for the rest of my life. Does God initially use these self desires for acceptance for his good? If so, does that mean God plans on everyone who gets married going through this selfish stage?

I reckon I'm missing something here as there are plenty of godly men who went about their marriage process righteously. Or did they?

I shared some of these thoughts with Snorri. He said in his characteristic head strong way, "Oh yeah, I mean..." He then proceeded to communicate a point which I have heard many times. But this time, I heard it. His point was essentially that life is not about us. It's cliche of course. But I understood it on a deeper level when I heard it from my dear friend.

"I'm so glad God has saved me," "What should I do for a career?" and "Who should I marry?" are phrases and questions which I state, when it should be from the perspective of, "God has a greater plan, how do I
fit into it?"

I am terribly sorry that you had to read that. I can't seem to articulate anything other than cliche at the moment.

Anyway, it was real to me.

Outside of Finiteness is in-Finiteness, Believe it or Not

I hope my readers haven't given up on my posts. Here, finally, is another one.

I'm so frustrated with myself! My mind won't stop telling me life would be better with a lover. I suppose I'm not doing myself any favors by posting about it and thus thinking about it more. So instead of complaining about my current state I've decided to take a liking to being single. So much more freedom. In theory I'll have many years with someone, even a greater number than without. So it's good. "LG, Life's Good."

I wonder how much less I would desire a girl if it wasn't for my society telling me life is better with someone. I mustn't give in! I'll like my life as it is. (It's a good idea at least.) Plus when I think about it, my thoughts are focused completely on the temporary, which isn't what God says we should be focused on.

By the way, I hope I don't appear to be trying to arouse pity. I know my feelings are nothing different from most anyone else. And my single life really isn't as depressing as I may make it sound.

I was reading in Exodus the other night. God was speaking to Moses on the top of a mountain when he suddenly told Moses to go back down the mountain because of what the Israelites were doing (they were worshipping a golden calf). God told Moses to leave Him alone so that his anger may rage against them and that he may destroy them and then rise up a nation from Moses alone. Moses then pleads with God not to destroy them.

And get this -- Exodus 32:14, "So the Lord changed His mind about the harm which He said He would do to His people." How does God change his mind?!! I was quite surprised when I read that. God can't learn because he knows all. Which means that whatever it was Moses said to him, he new prior to his telling him. Which means that God must of had a reason to "change His mind." Perhaps to teach Moses and or us to make our requests known to God. I guess I can see that.

But I don't understand nor do I think I will ever understand in this world how scripture can say that God changed his mind when he didn't!! He knew what he was going to do all along. Jigga wha'? It's another one of those frustrating things about Christianity that you just kinda think about, get mad for a little bit and eventually move on, trying not to think about it any longer.

After that depressing thought let me say that there is an explanation. Our minds are finite. What is, is in-finite.

Apples don't only keep the doctor away

I've been thinking about beauty. Particularly in Music. It's easy to think beauty can only be seen in excellent music. For instance a song that is played and sang on perfect pitch. But I've come to realize that so much good can be taken from that which is less than perfect. Sometimes a singer can be so passionate and expressive that he can be a little off pitch but still be enjoyable to listen to. It shows his imperfections and communicates on a different level. That can be taken too far of course, to where it becomes distracting. But it's true for the most part. To a degree this can be true in a worship service as well and it can still be a good service because of the heart of a person. But perfection should still be strived for.

Sorry for the lack of posts recently. I'm not sure what it is but I
haven't been feeling very expressive. Every time I think about posting it doesn't sound very appealing. I guess I just don't have much good to say these days.

Having said that, let me share a story which may be mildly
entertaining. I worked this morning from 8 to 2 as a stocker. Which primarily means I face the products (make everything straight and pretty.) So I was on our hair care aisle pulling some hair spray to the front of the shelf. I grabbed the can by the lid and the lid popped off. For some reason I have this fear in me from a young age about letting anything pressurized drop. I guess I think it might explode. Anyway, I wasn't really nervous about adjusting the hair spray can but then when the lid popped off and the can started to fall this fear from years past quickly rose within me and I sort of over reacted to catch
the can. I was so relieved when it didn't fall. Then I just started laughing at myself at how seriously I took the whole situation. I couldn't stop laughing! And this customer came around the corner and started turning down the aisle but then turned away. Whether it was because she found out she was in the wrong aisle or because there was a freak employee laughing I don't know. So that made my day go just a little faster.

Oh I've thought of something else to share! And I thought this was going to be a boring post. (Man I'm good). I was walking back to North Hall (where I live) one evening. There were two couples holding hands, one behind me and one in front of me. (They weren't all holding hands, just in pairs.) When I noticed that each had their lovers hand in theirs I looked down at my hand to see a green apple. I smirked at the
contrast. Then I sighed and began to feel sorry for myself. hehe But I'm sure if things are going to happen they'll happen soon enough. I'm alright with that. Besides, green apples taste better.

"Nothin's gonna change my world"

I don't understand the spiritual world. I don't think I'm meant to but it'd be nice to understand those situations when the spiritual world decides to break the air and poke it's head into our world. For instance, how is it that self control can be a fruit of the spirit but when one is overcome by the spirit there seems to be such disorder. This is a question one of my friends asked today. It's an interesting paradox. I'm thinking particularly of things like speaking in tongues and uncontrollable body parts. Without having thought or been given many answers to the question before, I said that maybe God's version of order is different than ours. When we have complete control we are very aware of our physical world sense that's where we live and what we've been allowed to see. We see control as focusing on a speaker or carrying out a task in our world. Maybe when we allow God full control of ourselves he takes us into a broader realm where all is perfectly
under His control.

The unseen world that God has told me of makes me curious. In a way I really want to see more. But that's only because it's 2:14 pm and I can see the sun shining. Which leads me to believe that I can handle anything. But I'm pretty sure I would faint if I got a glimpse of the spiritual world. It's like in the Bicycle series when the characters put on those special glasses and see the giant snakes towering over their city which were formerly unseen. OK so here's what I would like. I'd like to be able to see that world from the safety of God's arms. The best of both worlds. I suppose it'll happen soon enough.

So I hate to complain... what I'd LOVE to complain! I'm really tired of being on campus. It gets so incredibly old. Sure it's great to see friends everyday. But it's all so routine. I try to switch it up and do something creative every now and then but I always have to come back to my room and go back to the cafeteria. I'd like to go to a different place. I'm going to ride my bike.

God is Practical Too

Our theme for chapel this semester is "Understanding our work as
worship." Today Dan Noyes spoke. He talked about the importance of the second greatest commandment to love others and how that should play out in our vocation. He gave examples of even non-Christians finding joy in helping others and said that he believed God built this desire to help others into us.

I asked myself how what I plan on doing will help others. And I came to the conclusion that I would help others by showing them God through the beauty of artistic design. I'd like to think this is my reason for going into this field but to be honest it's probably more selfish. It's more like, look at me, I have clever ideas and I can design them. But does this mean I should reconsider my career path because of the lack of purity in my motives? Or will God use my evil for his good? I'd like to believe the ladder.

Changing subjects, the other day I was having lunch with several friends. One of which happened to be Leah Greene. She was talking about her idea of studying abroad next semester. After discussing the pros and cons for awhile she said something to the effect of, "But I want to consult God on this before I make a decision." She then explained that she had recently regrettably made a decision before asking God about it and it turned out poorly for her.

It stuck out to me. She realized her mistake, learned from it and was determined to change her future course of action. For some reason it was refreshing to me to see someone who was genuinely trying to better herself before God. Maybe it struck me because it was so real and practical. One of those Christian concepts I had been taught all my life actually made logical sense. The idea of consulting God before a decision became not just the right thing to do, but something by which we would be better off. Not to downplay the importance of faith, but I'm glad God has reasons for telling us to do things and that he sometimes decides to share those with us.

-b-a-l-^-n-c-e-

Hello all,

I don't have much energy to type nor do I feel like I have much of interest to say. The past two days have been great in general but I don't want to just tell what happened I want to explain how I feel about them. I don't have any great thoughts about them which is why I hesitated to even post tonight. But I will at least briefly summarize what has been happening and see what else comes to mind.

Yesterday afternoon I took one of my friends to get some coffee in town. Her name is Courtney Moore. She's not in choir this semester so we haven't been seeing as much of each other so we decided to get together yesterday. I was slightly concerned about it being to much of a date in either of our minds since it was one on one. But I felt like it turned out really well. We had good conversation, from relationships to the power of music to contentment in our lives. I've seen Courtney in different circumstances and the way she can be rather head strong. But when she was with me she let me lead the conversation and did many other things which showed her respect for me. It was thoughtful and nice of her.

Last night I hosted a small get together in my room for open dorms. Leah, Christi, Dawn, Snorri, Jeremiah Christie, and my suite mate Ben all came. I bought drinks and the game Clue and borrowed Gestures. We played games, listened to music, and watched Smallville. It was a very intimate, comfortable time with good people in my life.

This morning I got coffee again with many of the same people from last night. We decided to go to CIty Coffee and attempt to study. It as well was heaps of fun.

One thing that has been on my mind lately is what my close friends and I talk about when together. We don't often talk about spiritual matters. And I feel like we as Christians are selfish for dominating the conversation with matters that are so trivial and temporary. I think I am at fault in this area as I haven't taken the initiative to steer conversations toward eternal subjects. I think I read this, it is so easy to allow our conversation to be meaningless. Sure there is time for goofing off and being carefree, but we probably do it too much. Yet another area of life which is a balancing act.

Self Effort and Greatness

I'm frustrated with myself and my inability to accomplish anything.
I've thought of many things which I want to do but my critical mind
keeps shooting them down with excuses like, that'll take too much time,
you don't have enough knowledge about that, what if no one goes along
with that idea. I've heard that the greatest things in life are those
which you have to work hard at. I pray that I'd rise to the challenge
and be able to overcome all of the obstacles my mind comes up with.
It's so easy to be lazy these days and hard to be productive!
Motivation and discipline are two areas of my life which are lacking
right now.

I would like to have a project or hobby or something which I'm really
passionate about. Something I can do which is actually useful for the
rest of my life. So instead of using my free time by watching
Smallville, checking my email, and surfing the net I'd like to DO
something! Apathy is my enemy.

In chapel yesterday the speaker, Dr. Johnson (my philosophy professor),
brought up the point that many people just want what is easy and only
pay attention when it will help them. This was in the context of our
education. Anyway he said that if you have that mindset then you will
only strive for a faith that is easy and will therefore not go
anywhere. Basically, one must work hard in order to achieve great.

I'm going to get some dinner with Snorri.

Choir Retreat

I had a choir retreat this weekend. In general it was a great time. Mr.
Smith was a little sick so we didn't practice quite as much this year
as last. Saturday night was the best. We divided into four groups and
came up with a skit based on a theme given to us. As always it was
pretty crazy because most of it is improvisation. But that of course
made it funny and entertaining.

We also played family feud. Earlier we all filled out a survey with
questions like, "Who in choir has the best hair?" "Who is the most
likely to get lost in Chicago?" (our tour this year). It was a lot of
fun because people had to guess the top three most popular answers for
each question. Lots of laughs. One of the questions was, "Who in choir
isn't dating but should be?" A team of girls guessed Leah and I but we
weren't one of the top three. hehe Leah was like, "What?!" I could have
predicted that guess based on the amount of time we hang out. I mainly
thought it funny and don't intend to let others' opinion change the
amount of time I spend with a friend. But thanks for asking.

I did come in second for two of the questions. One of them was, "Who in
choir is the most likely to have a mullet?" I have no idea why people
guessed me on that one. And the other was, "Who in the choir would be
the best to take home to Mom?" That was pretty funny. It's all pretty
ridiculous because it's pretty much a glorified popularity contest. But
it was still fun.

Jeremiah Christie and I were roommates for the retreat (Jeremiah Rich
is my roommie at school). It was nice rooming with him. Last night we
talked for awhile and it was really satisfying. I haven't really talked
with him that much about more serious issues. It was really interesting
to get to know him a little better. I even decided to ask him about
Leah and why he broke up with her because I was never really clear on
it. Without disclosing too much information I'll say that he is pretty
much in the same confused boat as I am with regards to the whole
when-to-get-involved-in-a-romantic-relationship question. I was
slightly surprised but comforted at the same time. I hope to get to
know him even better. I guess it shouldn't be a surprise to find out
how similar he feels after what my Dad has told me growing up. He has
pretty much the same feelings as I do in many other areas of life. This
is obvious, but there is comfort in spending time with someone of a
like mind.

There is of course much more which I could tell but time is short.

Boy at Work

Yesterday I was a checker at work. I was kind of surprised at how much
I had forgotten how to do. There was one incident which was very
heartwarming. A little boy about 8 years old came to the counter with a
little money purse and some one dollar bills. He bought some candy with
it. I asked if that was all he wanted to buy and he said with a smile,
"Maybe." He then counted his money and asked something like, "If you
were going to buy some candy for 60 cents what would it be?" I said I'd
probably get a snickers bar because that's my favorite. He then went
back into the store and got a case of root beer and bought that. Again
I asked him if that was all he wanted to buy and he gave me the same
response. Every time I asked it I meant is that all you want me to ring
up at the moment, but he thought I meant is that all he wanted to buy
at all. He went back to look for more after looking at his money again.
He came back with a bar of snickers and said something like, "After I
pay for this you can have it." I was flattered. It was very sweet of
him to think of me.

I've had heaps of free time lately. It's been pretty ridiculous. I
think things will pick up. I feel like such a waister of time but I'm
trying to be wise.

Today at lunch I ate with many of my good friends. Christi was there as
well. While we were eating she came over to the empty seat beside me
and said, "I need to talk with you about a concern I have." She said
she realized that she never saw me yesterday and that she's worried
we'll never see each other Tuesdays or Thursdays because of our
different schedules. So we worked out a time when we could both eat
lunch together on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I of course felt flattered
that she would think and say such a thing to me. But it was slightly
embarrassing. I'm such a sucker for such flattery that it's hard to
keep control of my emotions. But don't worry, despite what she or
anyone may think, we're just friends. Afterwards Leah wanted to make
sure I didn't feel as if I didn't have control over my time and made it
clear that I didn't have to come to lunch. Hehe it's funny, people
(including myself) spend way too much time analyzing these things. I
suppose it can be a huge distraction if we let it.

I've decided to start blogging again

I've decided to start blogging again. This is just the first day of classes so I don't know how much time I'll have throughout the semester to do this. But I'm going to give it a shot. I mainly want to do it because I miss being able to express myself. Sometimes a thought occurs to me but there's no one to tell or no reason to tell anyone. So hopefully this will provide that outlet. I make no guarantee on the profundity of my thoughts. But I promise I will always try and make it me.

My Christmas break was wonderful as always. I definitely made my way into my former world again. It was very comfortable. Mainly because of my family and the amount which I was allowed to not care. I got the first two seasons of Smallville on DVD for Christmas which was very exciting. I love that show! I only hope I am able to keep it from taking over my life. It's so entertaining because it combines sci-fi with drama/romance - two of my favorite areas of life.

I would type more but I need to get ready to go to my first choir practice. It should be fun to see everyone again. For some reason I'm a little on edge about being back. I guess this is how it always is. As soon as I get back into things I know I'll be much more comfortable. Which is what it's all about. ;)